You might be Episcopalian (the sequel)

I was thinking just the other day, I had for some reason been getting a lot of hits on this old blog post, so maybe it was time to add to the list of obscure things that would say "You might be Episcopalian..."

You Might Be Episcopalian...

...if you know what Whitsunday is, and that the church paraments should be RED.

...if your Shrove Tuesday fundraiser in the undercroft features beer.

...if you visit someone else's church in March, see a vase of flowers behind the altar and think, "You don't do flowers in Lent!"

...if you have a very distinctly fixed set of songs in your head that qualify as "processional hymns," and you complain that anything outside that list causes you to remark, "That's not a processional hymn."

...if you've watched a podcast of a bishop being ordained, and raved about how cool it was.

...if you know what the sursum corda, the Sanctus, the Anaphora, and the Agnus Dei are.

...if you have a preference of Eucharistic Prayers A through D.

...if you know what The Book of Occasional Services is, as well as what EOW stands for.

...if you can point to the narthex, the nave, the sacristy, the chancel, and the undercroft.

...if you give directions of where to put things in church as "The Gospel side" and "the epistle side."

...if, when someone tells you they read the Bible every day, you respond with, "Oh, I do the Daily Office, too."

...if you've ever wondered why you kneel in Eucharistic Prayer B, when the line says, "worthy to stand before you."

...if you are absolutely certain that some parts of the Nicene Creed are "just not right," but say it anyway.

...if you have a strong personal theological opinion why the announcements are at the beginning, the middle, or the end of church--or not have announcements in church at all.

...if you've ever refered to a regular household activity as the "sacrament of," or the "liturgy of," such as "The Saturday Sacrament of the Laundry," or "The Liturgy of the Nap."

...if you know the names of at least ten bishops, and in which diocese they reside.

...if, in true "Six degrees of Kevin Bacon," fashion, you brag that you are three degrees from the Presiding Bishop...but when you get to thinking about it, all your Episcopalian friends are three degrees or fewer from her, too.

A small change for Lent in "The Order of Service for Doing Laundry"

One of my most popular posts last year had to do with the discovery that the Episcopalian Facebook world seems to all do their laundry on Saturday. Many of you remember this post.

Last week my friend Robert reminded me that we can't do the opening hymn during Lent, because it has the liturgical "A" word (A@#$%uia) in it. So the pressure was on to create a new one.

Here it is, sung to the tune of "Rock of Ages":

Rock of Ages, clean for me,
Cheer and Tide I give to Thee;
Let the water and the suds,
Clean my grass stains, dirt and blood,
Give my laundry double cure;
Save from wrath and make it pure.

Not the labor of my hands
Can fulfill my laundry's demands;
Could my shirts no respite know,
Clean my undies white as snow,
Tighty whities, Bali bras;
Lingerie, you save them all.

Dryer sheets my hands now bring,
To prevent the static cling;
Naked, 'cuz my clothes are spent;
If they weren't soiled, my clothes I'd rend;
Loads of laundry, by and by;
Wash them, Savior, or I die.

While I spend my Saturday,
Laundering my life away,
Watching ball games on TV,
Facebook friends, they comfort me,
Rock of Ages, clean for me,
Cheer and Tide I give to Thee.

If Clergy Could Bill for Weddings like Physicians

We are in the middle of a snowstorm here in Kirksville, so I'm in a bit of a silly, giddy mood. Here is another bit of humor for my clergy friends!

If Clergy Could Bill for Weddings like Physicians
by Kirkepiscatoid

Recent studies show that the average wedding has increased not only in price, but complexity, in the last four decades; unfortunately, although weddings can now run in the tens of thousands of dollars, couples still seem to think that $25 or $50 slipped in the officiating clergy person's hand is sufficient payment for services rendered. This document is a more realistic breakdown of the complete gamut of services rendered by clergy in wedding participation. Clergy are encouraged to create a base fee for "unit of service" and in this billing sheet, consider the top item in each category as the "basic unit of service." As you work down the levels of each category in the Clergy Encounter Form for each category, we have provided a suggested increase in unit of service for each level of clergy encounter. Circle the units of service for each category as applicable. Then, simply add the units of service times your base fee for a single unit of service and present the bill to the happy couple, making checks payable to your discretionary fund.

Clergy Wedding Encounter Form

Part A. Pre-Nuptial Counseling

Units of Service and Description of Encounter

1 Unremarkable counseling experience for couple and clergy

2 Couple seems ignorant or unaware counseling required; thought they wanted to get married there "because it's a cute little church" or "they wanted to get married at the Cathedral," etc.

2 Unremarkable counseling experience for clergy; minor issues discovered by couple that were easily resolved in session(s)

2 Minor blow-up between couple with minimal clergy consternation

3 Unremarkable/minor issues for couple; clergy begins to get sick feeling tip of iceberg has been touched on major issue but couple seems to blow this issue off

3 Moderate issues between couple uncovered in counseling with no additional sessions required

4 Moderate or major issues uncovered in counseling requiring additional sessions or postponement of wedding date

5 One or both of couple bursts into tears, runs crying/screaming from rectory, squeals off in car, possibly leaving one of the couple crying in front of clergy

_____ Other counseling mishap, not otherwise specified (please document)

Note: If either "5" is circled, or a NOS mishap carries a value of "5" or greater, submit billing. Pray they do not suddenly make up and find a Justice of the Peace or take a trip to Las Vegas.


Part B: Pre-wedding Planning

B1: The Bride
Units of Service and Description of Encounter

1 Normal mature female

2 Naive, blushing, possibly virginal

2 Slightly immature in chronological and/or psychological age

2 Normal with somewhat annoying parent(s)

2 Slightly bossy

3 Pregnant

3 Normal with "helicopter" parents

3 Seems to think wedding is "all about me" but parents relatively normal

4 Spoiled with indulgent and/or "helicopter" parents

4 Seems to think wedding is "all about me"; parents indulgent; tend not to challenge bride

4 Unaware she is being grossly abused or manipulated by betrothed

5 Bridezilla

B2: The Groom
Units of Service and Description of Encounter

1 Normal mature male

2 Nerdy/geeky, possibly virginal

2 Slightly immature in chronological and/or psychological age

2 Normal with somewhat annoying parent(s)

2 Relatively normal but appears to be thinking with his "little head" rather than his "big head" about some issues

3 Normal with mother who does not think betrothed is "good enough for her son"

3 Seems somewhat absent, distant, or unwilling to challenge bride-to-be on plans

4 Parents running the show; groom-to-be just shrugs and looks sheepish

4 Combative with betrothed, parents from either side, or clergy

4 Unaware he is being grossly abused or manipulated by betrothed

4 Unaware bride-to-be is pregnant

5 Flaming southbound end of northbound horse


Part C: The rehearsal/rehearsal dinner
Units of Service and Description of Encounter

1 Goes off without a hitch

2 Minor last minute changes and/or issues

2 Issues with small children

3 Seating chart(s) definitely need to be changed, most likely due to "ex-es"

3 Issues with really poorly behaved small children

3 Clergy has to explain to couple that songs with vague or overt references to nookie are generally not appropriate for a wedding

4 Hazard pay for dealing with overly drunken/stoned members of wedding party or clergy required to break up verbal altercation

5 Full blown hissy fit by any member of wedding party or clergy required to break up physical altercation

6 Law enforcement personnel called, or relative offers clergy large sum of money to refuse to perform the service

Part D: The Wedding (NOTE: Unlike parts A-C, and E, circle ANY and ALL service levels that apply rather than "best level of service")
Units of Service and Description of Encounter

1 Beautiful, touching and/or meaningful

2 Beautiful and touching but someone committed minor flub or children in service got flustered

2 Annoying photographer

2 Bad Soloist

2 Annoying parents/relatives/members of wedding party except bride/groom

3 Annoying bride/groom

3 Annoying photographer who totally ignored clergy instructions about what parts of the service may not be photographed

4 Badly behaved small children

4 REALLY bad soloist

4 Clergy retreats to rectory shortly afterward to smoke or say, "My God, I'm glad that's over"

5 Bride's water breaks or delivers baby during service

5 Wedding from Hell


Part E: The Reception

1 Clergy only required to give short opening prayer, meet and greet

2 Clergy performs minor pastoral care/counseling for less than 4 relatives/friends

3 Clergy performs minor pastoral care/counseling for 4 or more relatives/friends

3 Clergy provides minor pastoral care/counseling to ex-flame who attended wedding to pretend he/she is "happy for them."

4 Attendee suddenly feels need to confess something to clergy

5 Drunken melee/food fight/law enforcement called


Summary:

Dear Couple:

I provided ______ units of pastoral care at the base rate of $__________ per pastoral care unit. This totals up to $_________________ worth of pastoral and clergy services. Please make your check to _______________________and write "Discretionary Fund" in the memo line. Thank you for choosing me and my church for your wedding. I know you promised back in the counseling phase to be regular attendees of my church, but please remit in 30 days because I am pretty sure that's not going to happen, despite your good intentions. I was born in the dark, but it wasn't last night!

If Hospice Chaplains could bill like physicians...

I got to visiting with our parish's Priest Associate via e-mail today, and we sort of got on the subject of "coding and billing," being as how her "paying job" is the local Hospice chaplain. Evidently Medicare pays a flat rate ($120.00, it appears) for "per diem" Hospice service. We got to talking about how it's too bad she doesn't get to bill like physicians. So in the spirit of a post I did a while back on "Eucharistic Coding and Billing," here's how I'd break up Hospice chaplain billing for Medicare!

Hospice Chaplain Coding and Billing
(by Kirkepiscatoid)

Here's how we could build in "Level of Service" if only the government would take the cue that hospice chaplains should get to bill more like physicians!

Hospice Chaplain Level of Service Billing

Instructions: For each patient encounter, choose the level of pastoral service, geographic modifier, and clinical demographic modifier that best represents the normal and customary level of service provided in the patient encounter. Remember: For proper reimbursement, level of service must be documented in hospice chaplain notes.

Pastoral Service codes:

_____P66601: Talked with patient but did not pray with patient
_____P66602: Prayed with patient (e.g., comatose, unresponsive) but did not talk with patient
_____P66603: Talked and prayed with patient
_____P66604: Provided Eucharistic services with liquid substance other than wine with at least 10% alcohol content
_____P66605: Provided Eucharistic services with wine containing at least 10% alcohol content
_____P66606: Patient died before arrival of chaplain; discussions/prayer with family
_____P66607: Funeral planning with input from not-quite-dead-yet patient
_____P66608: Funeral planning with patient already dead
_____PS6600: Level of pastoral service not otherwise specified (provide documentation)

Geographic Modifier Codes:

_____GPS001: Usual and customary ability to find patient's house
_____GPS002: Difficulty finding patient's house (e.g., faulty directions, missing road signs/street signs, very remote location)
_____GPS003: Got hopelessly lost finding patient's house, requiring use of cell phone
_____GPS004: Got hopelessly lost finding patient's house, requiring use of cell phone, in "dead cell phone" area
_____GPS005: Visit required extraordinary vehicular measures (e.g., studded snow tires, four wheel drive)
_____GPS006: Chaplain got stuck en route to visit
_____GPS000: Other geographic modifier not otherwise specified (provide documentation)

(NOTE: A 10% PENALTY exists on GPS code billing if chaplain is female and visit requires being chauffeured by a male. A 10% BONUS exists if chaplain is male and visit requires being chauffeured by a female, as most male chaplains would not admit this.)

Clinical Demographic Modifiers:

_____CH23001: Pastoral services provided to under 4 total family members in room, in addition to patient
_____CH23002: Pastoral services provided to 4 or more family members in room, in addition to patient
_____CH23003: Patient divulges deep dark family secret under the influence of narcotics during visit
_____CH23004: Chaplain breaks up verbal altercation between relatives
_____CH23005: Chaplain breaks up physical altercation between relatives
_____CH23006: Living arrangements for patient has worse than usual smells or sights associated with typical dying patient or typical home
_____CH23007: Family member "hits on" chaplain, desiring inappropriate psychological, financial, or physical relationship
_____CH23008: Chaplain visit occurs while patient, spouse/significant other and object of covert romantic relationship are all in the same room
_____CH23000: Other clinical history modifier not otherwise specified (provide documentation)